Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
