11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
