I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
