On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
