ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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