That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
