We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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