I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
