We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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