Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Randomize
