Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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