I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
