We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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