let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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