I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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