hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
