Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
