I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
