hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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