hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
