You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
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Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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