I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Randomize
