So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
