Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
