me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm at about main and main street
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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