Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
