My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It was like giving head to a cactus.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
