listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Randomize
