That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
