Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
