I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
