i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
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