i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
