I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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