Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
