omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
