if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
