Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
