I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
