You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
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$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
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She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize