M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
