That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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