Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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