I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
