we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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