yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
