I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
