You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
