We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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