You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
