She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
