Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.