you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
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I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
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I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.