Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I love you.
Bad choice
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
