The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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