Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
