Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
