Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
