So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
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I have grass duct taped all over my body
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
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Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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