I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
This baby is an asshole
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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