I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
40s are totally the cure
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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