If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
that's an acceptable place to lick
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
