i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
