I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
