Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
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