that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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