forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
