Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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